Attack Bear
by DAIrinchan
Summary: AU. Which is worse, a school shooting or a school bear attack? Warning: Flippant treatment of serious issues.


**Disclaimer:** It's probably for the best that i don't own TDA. The idea for this fic came from The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, so i don't claim credit for that either.

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" _And you say, yeah, they should have guns because maybe grizzly bears? ... What do you think there are more of in America? School shootings or school bear attacks, huh? In fact, i would argue that every school should have a bear to protect them from guns, that's what they should have."_ –Trevor Noah

Kit Rook moved around a lot. He'd spent his life so far in and out of a variety of public schools. He sometimes had the sneaking suspicion that his dad was running from something, but he could never find out anything concrete.

He was currently spending his sophomore year of high school in Los Angeles. He hoped they wouldn't have to move again, because constant moving sucked and because he really liked the friends he had made here in Ty and Livia Blackthorn. He wasn't actually good at making friends, and barely having time to get to know someone before leaving again didn't exactly help. The twins shared most of his classes, too, which made adjusting easier.

He was sitting with them in algebra class the day a sudden _rat-a-tat_ from the hallway interrupted the teacher's droning. They all looked towards the door.

"What was that?" Kit demanded, with the uneasy feeling that action films had already told him the answer.

"It sounded like gunshots," Ty replied.

There was the sound of footsteps walking in the hall, followed by an ominous pause like every horror movie ever. "Get down," the teacher said urgently.

That was when the door burst open and a kid came in waving a big-ass gun.

(Maybe it was a regular-sized gun, but Kit had never seen one in person before, and all guns looked bigger when they might shoot you.)

Kit didn't know the boy, but then, he barely knew anyone yet. The student fired a bullet randomly into the class. Kit didn't think it hit anyone, but he was too busy panicking to be sure.

Livia reacted most sensibly, upending her desk and ducking down behind it. "Get down!" she hissed to Kit as she tugged Ty down after her. The boys followed her example.

"You know, statistically, a desk made of plywood coated with plastic isn't going to block a bullet," Ty pointed out in a low voice once they were somewhat behind shelter.

"That's not the point," Livvy replied, with the air of someone reminding him of something he already knew. "The point is just to get out of his line of sight."

Kit fought to keep his voice down. "Does this sort of thing happen often?" He was feeling slightly hysterical.

Livvy grinned at him. "Well, you know in LA everyone's either a movie star or a criminal, right?"

Was she really making jokes during a school shooting? Ty opened his mouth to say something, but he was cut off by the intercom.

" _Mr. Hemingway is on campus,"_ the voice said. _"Please follow instructions and remain calm until Mr. Twain has left."_ Ty's face lit up.

"What is that, a code word? Is it supposed to be Hemingway or Twain? And what is that even supposed to mean?"

"Yeah, they're code words," Livia told him. "Mr. Hemingway is the shooter."

"Okay, so what about Mr. Twain? And what are we supposed to do?"

"We're supposed to keep our heads down until Mr. Twain gets here," Ty said. "You'll see."

Ty was looking awfully excited for someone whose classroom was getting shot up, Kit thought. A bullet sped over their heads, making them all duck down lower. These desks weren't even big enough for high school students to hide behind properly, Kit thought in despair.

Livia craned her neck, trying to peer over the edge of her desk without showing her face. When that didn't work out, she gave up and peeked through the gap between her desk and Kit's. "Ah," she said. "There, look." Ty was already glued to the gap between his and Livvy's desk.

Kit put his eye to the space. There was the kid with the gun, calling in a singsong for the students to come out, and behind him was–

"Holy shit," Kit said. "Is that a grizzly bear?"

"No, it's just a common brown bear," Ty told him, staring intently at the scene.

"Why is there a bear here?"

"In case there's a school shooting," Livvy said, as if it were obvious. Now that the bear was here, she risked raising her forehead and eyes above the desk to see better.

They watched as the bear reared up on its hind legs, raised one massive paw, and swatted at the shooter. The scene seemed to move in slow motion as the paw came down, the shooter turned, and fired.

The bear howled in pain, but its paw connected heavily with the shooter's shoulder. There was a crack as the boy went flying into the wall. Kit winced.

"Bears have stronger skin than humans and thick fur that helps protect them if they get shot," Ty explained. The bear dropped to all fours and trundled over to the kid to roar in his face. "It's not invulnerable, obviously, but it's safer than a human would be if they tried to stop a shooter."

"So let me get this straight," Kit said. "You people decided that the best way to protect kids from a school shooting was a surprise grizzly bear?"

"No, of course not. It's a surprise brown bear. Grizzly bears couldn't be trained to leave everyone else alone," Ty said seriously.

"Surprise bears are the best answer to most situations," Livvy clarified.

"Right, because surprise bears make everything better," Kit said. He looked back to the front of the room. "Is he gonna be okay?" The shooter hadn't stirred. The bear snuffled around his face.

"Oh, sure," Livvy said carelessly. "He's trained not to actually kill anyone."

"If he killed someone, even someone who attacked the school, he'd have to be put down," Ty said. He hadn't taken his eyes off the bear since it arrived.

The bear, apparently determining that the shooter was no longer a threat, backed off and sat down. It growled in victory before looking down and beginning to paw at its chest where the bullet had hit it.

"Even a socialized bear isn't really safe for untrained personnel to go close to," Ty said. "A trained bear handler knows how to work with the bear, but he'll accidentally hurt someone who doesn't know how."

Kit glanced over and saw the way Ty's fingers were wriggling. "You want to go cuddle with the bear, don't you?"

" _Yes,"_ Ty said plaintively.

"He got in trouble once just for looking too closely," Livvy told Kit. "There's this whole legal issue over how likely regular students are to be in danger from school bears."

"Yeah, it's not exactly a class pet," Kit agreed. "Are you saying this _has_ happened before, then? If Ty got in trouble for getting too close to the bear?"

"Not really," Livvy said.

"I was exploring and found his enclosure," Ty said.

"You were _looking_ for his enclosure," Livia corrected him. "It's supposed to be hard for students to find accidentally, but Ty wanted to see him."

Kit thought about it. "Fair enough. What happens now?"

"Mr. Twain's handler will come get him and bring him back to his enclosure," Ty said. "He'll be sedated, and a vet will take out the bullet and treat the wound. He'll be ready for action again after a month or so."

"In the meantime, we'll get the rest of the day off for the trauma of getting shot at," Livvy added. "I'm pretty sure no one actually got shot this time, so we probably won't get the whole week."

"O-kay," Kit said. He considered it, then shrugged. "I'll take it."

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 **A/N:** Speaking as someone who has actually had a bear come onto my high school campus, i have to say i'm with Trevor a hundred percent. It's much more dangerous to have a gun on campus than a bear. A bear is no big deal, and i really wanted to write about a defense bear. By the way, Mr. Twain is the code word my own school used for our bear.

If anyone wants to see the video that inspired this fic, go to youtube and search "Betsy DeVos Gets Grilled: The Daily Show."

I'm sorry if anyone found this offensive, and i know the beginning is crap. I really just wrote this for the bear.


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